Oscar-winning screenwriter Dustin Lance Black has revealed he came out to his conservative Mormon mother while she was ranting about 'sicko' gay military members, he writes in his upcoming memoir.
The 44-year-old had long kept his sexuality hidden from his family, going as far to try and impregnate a girl as a teenager in hopes starting a family would 'bring me more happiness than any passion or romance ever could'.
But while his mother Rosa Ann 'Anne', a deeply religious Southern woman, raged against Clinton's Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy, a 21-year-old Black couldn't hold back his 'secret', and from his tears his mother realized he was one of 'them'.
Despite worrying their bond was ruined, his mother accepted him and years later Black said she was overjoyed that he met his now-husband British Olympic diver Tom Daley, once catching her Googling pictures of him in a Speedo.
Black chronicles his close relationship with his mother, who died in 2014, and struggling with coming to terms of his sexuality while growing up in a religious, southern community in his upcoming book Mama's Boy, which is out in May.
Oscar-winning screenwriter Dustin Lance Black revealed he came out to his conservative Mormon mother Rosa Ann (pictured together) during Christmas in 1995 while she was ranting about 'sicko' gay military members
The 44-year-old had long kept his sexuality hidden from his family, going as far to try and impregnate a girl as a teenager in hopes starting a family would 'bring me more happiness than any passion or romance ever could'
Despite worrying their bond was ruined, his mother accepted him and years later Black said she was so happy that he met his now-husband British Olympic diver Tom Daley, once catching her Googling pictures of him in a Speedo
Black, who at the time was studying film at the University of California in Los Angeles, writes that he came out to his mother Anne over while visiting home for Christmas in 1995.
During a discussion about the new military policy of Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Black writes that she started ranting: 'How dare this president allow those kinds of people to join? Even if they do keep it quiet, it's still wrong.
'We've worked too long and too hard and made too many sacrifices to desecrate the service of so many brave men and women in our armed forces.
'Who does this Clinton think he is to destroy the good name of our military by filling it with sickos?!''
Black writes that he 'wasn't ready to come out to her that night' but 'one single tear betrayed me.'
He continued: 'And once I felt it, there was another, and another. Soon decades worth of long-held tears came tumbling out. Then I did something quite brave: I looked into my mom's eyes so she could see them.
'And only after a long, heartbreaking silence... she parted her lips, her voice trembling, her eyes searching the room. ''Why, my baby? Why would you... choose this?''
Black, whose mother contracted polio when she was two years old and ever since wore leg braces and used crutches, said he looked into her eyes and asked her why did she 'choose' her crutches and braces.
He adds: 'It was indescribably painful. She had no answer. She knew full well that those crutches weren't a choice. Her only choice had been to survive them.
'And when she looked at me again, I didn't have to tell her this wasn't a choice for me either.'
Black writes he 'wasn't ready to come out to her that night' but 'one single tear betrayed me'
After his mother asked why would he 'choose' to be gay, Black asked her why did she 'choose' to use crutches and braces. Black's mother (pictured as a child) contracted polio when she was two years old and ever since wore leg braces and used crutches to get around
Although Black was concerned their relationship would be forever damaged, his mother accepted him and his bond grew stronger
Although Black was concerned their relationship would be forever damaged, his mother accepted him and their bond grew stronger.
Black began dating Tom Daley in 2013 after meeting him at a dinner party, writing he was 'quite taken' with the younger man.
He writes that he once called his mother 'from Heathrow Airport on my way back to Los Angeles, tearful that I had to leave him behind.
'I'd never felt so strongly about anyone, and now I had no idea what to do about this unrelenting, long-distance heartache. It felt like madness to me.'
But his mother was happy and excited, writing that she told him: 'I was afraid to say it, but I was beginning to wonder if you'd ever find this. It makes me so happy to hear that you have. You're in love Lancer, and boy do you deserve it.'
Black explains: 'She'd met Tom at Christmas, when he'd made a special trip to DC to frost Christmas cookies with us. Any young man who would cross an ocean to take part in her treasured Christmas traditions was marriage material as far as she was concerned.
'And soon after, I caught her Google image searching sexy pictures of Tom in Speedos. Like mother, like son.'
After his mother died in 2013, Black wrote Tom 'flew across an ocean and a continent to hold my hand and help give me strength.
'He had lost his own father to cancer a few years earlier. He knew what this was. He may or may not have been the answer to a soft-spoken white-haired Mormon man's prayers, but he was absolutely a gift from God.'
The pair got engaged in 2015 and were married in Devon, England in May of 2017. They announced they were expecting their first child together in February and welcomed their son Robert Ray Black-Daley in June.
Black began dating Tom Daley in 2013 after meeting him at a dinner party, writing he was 'quite taken' with the younger man
The pair got engaged in 2015 and were married in Devon, England in May of 2017. They announced they were expecting their first child together in February (pictured) and welcomed their son Robert Ray Black-Daley in June
Black admits he had struggled with thoughts of suicide over his sexuality, stemming from an incident at his junior high dance in 1986.
He writes: 'I believed that I was filled with monsters and devils: my crippling shyness, my crushes on boys, my sensitivity and my big temper at tiny injustices.
'If nothing else, I thought, ''I might survive my truly monstrous, unlovable self as a passable fraud. That's what I would aim to be in this life, and for now, that was fine by me.'
In effort to keep his 'straight' charade up, Black said he decided he would attend his school's dance and ask a pretty popular girl to dance. But upon his arrival to the dance, found her dancing and kissing another boy.
Embarrassed and determined to show his peers, whom he had already told his plans, that he wasn't bothered, he turned and asked another boy to dance.
Black writes: 'It wasn't a romantic invitation. It was a miscalculation of epic proportions. He looked at me like I'd just asked to eat his pet gerbil.
'A kind of angry laugh came vomiting out of him, and with it, ''What kind of f****t are you?!'' He was genuinely asking, and loud enough to make sure that everyone heard him say it, so that no one doubted his manhood in our exchange.
'All I recall is a sickening panic rising up inside of me - my monster laid bare.'
A tearful Black returned home alone, writing: 'I couldn't think of a single person who might help me. I was a sinner in my church, a criminal to the law and my community, and a pervert and a freak to everyone else. And so, that was the first of many nights I would lie in bed contemplating taking my life.
'I was ready to hurt myself but I couldn't bear to hurt my mom. So that night I made a pact with myself. If my mother ever died... that pain would surely be unbearable, but it wouldn't be my last. My final pain would come soon after, the price of taking my own life.'
Black admits he had struggled with thoughts of suicide over his sexuality, stemming from an incident at his junior high dance in 1986
In effort to keep his 'straight' charade up, Black said he decided he would attend his school's dance and ask a pretty girl to dance. But upon his arrival to the dance, found her dancing and kissing another boy. He asked another boy to dance with him and was called a 'f****t'
When Black was 14 years old in 1988, his mother, stepfather, two brothers and him moved out to Salinas, California, from Texas - where he made his first gay friend, even though neither were out yet.
He writes: 'Ryan Elizalde, a husky Latin eighteen-year-old with a thick, black '70s Freddie Mercury pornstache that made him look thirty.
'Ryan had a certain flare, a flamboyance I recognized, a swish he didn't seem to be trying hard enough to hide.
'Like me, he was a freak and a likely ''homosexual'' but unlike me, he was fearless - a wild man rule breaker in a town where sticking out in any way could literally get you shot.
'Ryan and I shared a bond, an invisible bridge, that secret Oscar Wilde's lover Lord Alfred Douglas had rightly observed dared not to speak its name - not in Europe a century before, and still not here in central California in the late 1980s.
'And so despite our many differences, we were members of a secret family as old as the ages, and we felt that sturdy bond, even while refusing to confess it.'
The two became extremely close and upon graduating high school, Black convinced Ryan to move down to Los Angeles with him, sharing a studio apartment but neither addressing their sexuality.
But in 1994, right before Black was about to head to Virginia, where his family had since moved, to spend his summer before starting at UCLA, Black decided to approach the topic with Ryan.
He writes: 'I wanted him to say those forbidden words plainly. I didn't want any gray area there.'
Ryan finally confessed that he was gay to Black.
When Black was 14 years old in 1988, his mother, stepfather, two brothers and him moved out to Salinas, California, from Texas - where he made his first gay friend, even though neither were out yet
The now 44-year-old had long kept his sexuality hidden from his family, going as far to try and impregnate a girl as a teenager in hopes starting a family would 'bring me more happiness than any passion or romance ever could'
But Black said he couldn't 'find the strength to follow his lead. Instead, I failed Ryan. And arguably worse, I lied.
'I'd offered him no acceptance, no love - only a hurtful lie told in the feeble, self-righteous hue called tolerance.
'I knew that the words I was employing were lies, delivered in exacting fashion, the way I feared straight people might use words against me if I ever came out. I was putting on my best straight act to ensure that my closet door stayed shut.'
Black adds: 'That summer I made a conscious decision to go in the opposite direction... I gave this new commitment my all.'
Embracing this attitude, while in Virginia and working as a lifeguard, Black agreed to go on a double date with a 'voluptuous, remarkably forward fellow lifeguard'.
Black writes that after the date 'came my first kiss. Then she let me know she had other designs, and revealed her breasts.
'I found them fascinating but far softer than I had anticipated or hoped. Then came the sex. I didn't tell her that I'd never done it.
'Thankfully, she knew what she was doing... All while knowing full well that I was exceedingly gay but just as determined not to be.
'Putting Mormon logic to the task, I convinced myself that if I had a child or ten, this potential family of my making would bring me more happiness than any passion or romance ever could.
'I tried my best to get this unsuspecting young woman pregnant. Condoms? Forget about it. Birth control? We never had the conversation. Go down there? No thank you.
'But no mater how hard I tried (and thanks to nineteen-year-old hormones, I actually could try hard), by summer's end I was convinced my sperm must be just as defective as I was.
'That summer of heterosexual sex wasn't all for naught. It made one thing abundantly clear: no amount of trying, no matter how beautiful, loving or supportive the unsuspecting woman might be, would ever cure me of my ''secret something.'''
Dustin Lance Black's memoir Moma's Boy will be released in May.
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News Pictures Dustin Lance Black found his Mormon mother Googling sexy photos of Olympian husband Tom Daley
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