DEAR DEIDRE: I WAS upset when my girlfriend wanted to try group sex.
She kept on and I agreed but now I feel confused and weird.
When she and I had been together for a few months she told me she had been gang-raped by five men when she was 20.
She is 31 now, I am 32 and we have been together seven years.
We love each other and always had a good sex life.
About 18 months ago — ten years after the rape — she changed.
She got a tattoo and started wearing short skirts without underwear. She had a Brazilian wax too.
She looked sexy but I didn’t know what to think.
One evening when we were visiting friends she got drunk and suggested a foursome.
She said she had wanted to experiment with group sex for a long time.
I was shocked and we argued, but our friends were up for it and I eventually gave in under protest.
I know I should have gone home right then but I decided she was seeking to have control in similar circumstances to when she was raped — that she wanted to feel in charge.
Since then we have been going to a swinging club where I share her with other men and have sex with other women.
I found it difficult at first but slowly I’ve got used to it, though it’s left me confused.
Sometimes it feels strange having sex with my partner after other men, then having sex with other women.
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At first I felt suicidal but now it is the opposite. It feels normal and I get a buzz from it.
But I worry I’m abnormal to be getting something out of a situation where I’m sharing my girlfriend with other men.
She refuses to go for counselling about the rape, so this has become her way of being in control.
She takes charge in these situations and she has become more confident.
It has made me feel more confident sexually too but I feel a freak for enjoying this odd behaviour.
In some ways it is great but in other ways it feels so very wrong.
Popular Dear Deidre problems
DEIDRE SAYS: Involving other people in your sex life usually causes emotional turmoil in the end.
You are probably right that this is your girlfriend’s way of taking control after the trauma of a gang rape where she had no control.
But chances are that in time, group sex will leave her feeling used all over again – and you too.
She says she doesn’t want counselling about the rape but that may well be because she is scared of the pain that may be triggered.
Tell her that you love her and you’re worried about where your relationship is going. Ask her to come for counselling with you so you can both feel confident about your future.
Find a therapist via the College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (cosrt.org.uk, 020 8543 2707).
Meanwhile take back some control of your own sex life. Tell your girlfriend you feel conflicted about the group sex and won’t take part again.
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News Pictures I’m shocked my girlfriend wants group sex 10 years after her gang rape ordeal
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