OH no. Camilla Parker Bowles went doolally this week and said she was looking forward to visiting Cuba – apart from the food.
This caused everyone in Buckingham Palace to rush around in dizzy circles, panicking.
Because only Phil the Greek is allowed to say that sort of thing. It’s Camilla’s job to stand in the background, waving.
Having an opinion on something? Noooooo.
But the fact is, she does have a point.
Cuba is a fascinating place. The cigars, the architecture, the prostitutes and the beaches are all first class. But the food is hilarious.
Let me put it this way: To make sure your vegetables are really well cooked, they bring them to the boil when you apply for your visa.
I went once to a Havana restaurant and after a very long time, a waiter, who was 400 years old, came out of the kitchen pushing a trolley with a squeaky wheel.
I ordered a spaghetti bolognaise, because no one, not even me, can mess that up. And as I waited, I was serenaded by a man playing the piano.
This would have been fine except the man was very obviously completely deaf.
He was just hitting the notes and hoping for the best. And it wasn’t really working out.
Eventually though, the 400-year- old man came back with his squeaky trolley and on it was my spaghetti. It was stone cold.
CHEFFING HELL
I told the old man, who plunged his finger into the sauce and nodded in agreement.
Off he squeaked, leaving me with the pianist’s rendition of what a cat would sound like if it ran about on a piano keyboard until, ten minutes later, the bolognaise was back.
And straight away, it was obvious that to heat it up, the chef — who probably trained as a docker — had simply put it under the grill.
This had rather spoiled the texture of the spaghetti. And I didn’t fancy the sauce much either.
Because I could still see the indentation in it, where the old man had stuck his finger.
The only edible thing they had was a lizard, in the otherwise empty swimming pool
Jeremy Clarkson
I was going to make a fuss but at that moment, the windows of the restaurant were literally blown open by the sound system of the neighbouring nightclub.
It didn’t stop the pianist, who couldn’t hear it and soldiered on, but it did give me an excuse to leave.
I went back to the hotel which had no beer, or vodka, or wine or alcohol of any sort.
And the next morning I rose early, looking forward to breakfast.
But it was off.
The only edible thing they had was a lizard, in the otherwise empty swimming pool.
Cuba then. A great place.
But it’ll be better when they replace the communists with some chefs.
I’ll be back for some Hurley barely
IN February, Liz Hurley doesn’t appear very often in a bikini on my Instagram feed.
I’m therefore going away for a few weeks until the weather is warm enough for her to start undressing again.
I’ll be back in April. See you all then. Unless there’s post-Brexit martial law and all the airports are ringed with troops.
Racism slur can be taken too far
IN the excellent movie, Taken, the father of a kidnapped girl calls the Albanian man who took her to say: “I will find you. And I will kill you”.
This memorable line was delivered with a ton of menace by the actor, Liam Neeson, and was much appreciated by audiences who rubbed their hands with eager anticipation at the havoc that was about to be unleashed.
But what if he’d said: “I will find you. And I will kill you. You Albanian bastard”.
Yup. We’d have called him a racist and stormed out of the cinema.
That’s where we are these days. Saying you’re going to murder someone is fine.
Saying you’re going to murder someone from a particular racial or ethnic group is NOT fine.
Which means racism is now seen as a worse crime than murder. How long will it be, I wonder, before it takes the top spot from paedophilia.
Snort it out on coke
HARRY REDKNAPP’s other son, Mark, appeared in court this week accused of driving with 15 times the legal amount of cocaine in his bloodstream.
This begs a question. I can see why there’s a legal limit for alcohol. You might mistakenly eat a sherry trifle. But why cocaine? Are they saying it’s OK to drive after a small amount?
Because I thought it was illegal to even have it in your pocket.
Or did I miss something?
Safe sex, lads – I’m well gel
A NEW contraceptive gel which men rub into their upper arms and shoulders is to be tested in Britain.
And already many women, and parents, are saying that they can’t trust men to be honest about whether they are using it.
Hmmm. It’s always been suggested that an unwanted pregnancy is worse for the girl than the boy. But is it?
The girl can sit down with her friends and her parents and decide what to do.
Go ahead. Abort. Adopt.
Sometimes, the boy will be part of the important decision-making process but, often, he is not.
If I were a young man, and that gel was on the market, I’d bathe in it three times a day.
DRIVING MISS CRAZY
A WOMAN called Helen Carroll told the world this week that for 22 years, she was too scared to drive.
But this didn’t stop her doing it.
She talked about how she once went round a roundabout four times, screaming at her son to help her make sense of what the sat-nav was saying.
She was even fearful she would lose control of the steering wheel. Although I’m not sure this is possible, as it’s attached to the car.
I can’t believe this woman has a licence. And she’s not alone.
She even admits to knowing six other women who suffer from the same phobia.
Well, I have a piece of advice for all of you.
Don’t bother waiting for a self-driving car. They’re not coming. Ever.
So hand your licences in before you kill someone then use the bus instead.
Teen Beeb is pointless
SO, the BBC has decided it has become irrelevant because it is so middle aged.
Right, so what are they going to do?
Replace Alexander Armstrong on Pointless with a 12-year- old with his ar*e hanging out of his trousers and his hat on back to front?
MOST READ IN OPINION
The fact is that kids don’t really watch mainstream television any more.
So what’s the point of making shows for them at all?
To paraphrase Marie Antoinette: “Let them watch YouTube”.
https://textbacklinkexchanges.com/duchess-of-cornwall-is-wary-of-cuba-and-its-food-itll-be-better-when-they-replace-communists-with-chefs/
News Photo Duchess of Cornwall is wary of Cuba and its food — it’ll be better when they replace communists with chefs
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