Dirty talk is way easier to fuck up than anyone wants to admit. You should probably get a good idea of what your significant other is into before you really go for it, but I don’t know if that would have saved this poor son of a bitch who spectacularly fucked up his chances with literally four words.
Throwaway for obvious reasons.
So a little background: My current gf and I have been together for about 2 months and things have been going great. Before her I was a virgin, she’s slept with a couple guys, not a big deal, blah blah blah. Obviously because the relationship is pretty new, we’re still learning about what the other likes sexually, and I’m learning everything for the first time.
Long story short, it came up that she likes dirty talk during sex. I said I was down to give it a shot, but deep down inside I knew that I had no idea what I would be doing and would kind of be winging it. Last weekend we went out for drinks, hormones started flying, and we decided it was time to wrap the night up, so we went back to her place.
So we’re getting it on, drunkenly fumbling and slobbering, but we’re wasted so it’s fine. She’s telling me about how wet she is and all the things she wants me to do to her…all the nasty stuff. She kind of rambled for a bit, and I was feeling a bit of pressure to chime in, because surely she’d run out of material soon. The rum is swooshing through my veins at this point, making me feel much more comfortable than I normally do. This is all new territory for me, but I’m feeling adventurous tonight, a bit like Christopher Columbus, and she’s what I think is India.
So I decide to talk dirty. Her monologue was cycling back to her being wet, and like a hungry cheetah, I figure this is the perfect time to strike. And that’s when I cleverly decided to ask if I make her “moister than an oyster”.
Her face fell. It’s hard to describe the mixture of despair and drunken hopelessness that spilled across her face. I went from being a cunning cheetah pouncing on a wounded antelope, to being a cheetah that tried pouncing but tripped over a log and broke its neck in the process.
I’ve been wondering how I could have fucked up such an easy moment, but nothing can explain it. We approach this next weekend, and we’ve talked twice since then. I don’t think I’ll be redeeming myself anytime soon.
TLDR: I decided to be sexy and asked my gf if I made her moister than an oyster. She doesn’t think oysters are sexy.
anonymouslittlebitch
(Side Note: The story is bad enough, you didn’t need to give yourself that username dude.)
h/t Reddit
https://textbacklinkexchanges.com/how-to-kill-the-mood-in-four-words-8-gifs/
News Pictures How to kill the mood in four words (8 GIFs)
You don’t have to pack away your bikini just because you’re the wrong side of 20. These body-beautiful stars reveal their secrets to staying in shape and prove you can smoulder in a two-piece, whatever your age. Read on and be bikini inspired!
TEENS
Hayden Panettiere
Size: 8
Age: 18
Height: 5ft 1in
Weight: 8st
To achieve her kick-ass figure, Hayden – who plays cheerleader Claire Bennet in Heroes – follows the ‘quartering’ rule. She eats only a quarter of the food on her plate, then waits 20 minutes before deciding whether she needs to eat again.
Hayden says: “I don’t have a model’s body, but I’m not one of those crazy girls who thinks that they’re fat. I’m OK with what I have.”
Nicollette says: “I don’t like diets – I see it, I eat it! I believe in eating healthily with lots of protein, vegetables and carbs to give you energy.”
kim cattrall
Size: 10-12
Age: 52
Height: 5ft 8in
Weight: 9st 4lb
SATC star Kim swears by gym sessions with Russian kettle bells (traditional cast-iron weights) and the South Beach Diet to give her the body she wants. To avoid overeating, Kim has a radical diet trick – squirting lemon juice on her leftovers – so she won’t carry on picking.
Kim says: “I am no super-thin Hollywood actress. I am built for men who like women to look like women.”
https://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2019/01/dirtytalkfail1.gif?w=240
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