THE worst betrayal a partner can do is cheat on you – but Janet Cleaves was dealt a double blow.
The 70-year-old secretary was left heartbroken after learning her taxi driver husband Malcolm, 71, had a six-year affair with her mate.
Incredibly, rather than send him packing, she agreed to try and make their marriage work.
It took four long years of explosive rows and heartache to overcome Malcolm’s infidelity, but they’ve just celebrated their 33rd wedding anniversary and say they’re happier than ever.
Fabulous Digital has teamed up with Relate, which provides relationships counselling nationwide, to help ordinary couples overcome some of the most common marriage problems, including infidelity, excessive arguing, an unfulfilling sex life and having kids.
More couples filed for divorce on Monday – now dubbed D-Day – than at any other time of year.
Here Janet and Malcolm, from London, reveal how they went from being on the verge of splitting up to getting their marriage back on track…
Janet said: “I’d had my suspicions Malcolm was cheating on me for a while but he kept denying it.
“Then, one night, I confronted him after I saw a close friend of mine mouth ‘I love you to him’ over the dining table. He then confessed all.
“I know most women would have thrown him out and many people have questioned how I could ever trust him again. But even though I felt humiliated and hurt to the point of physical pain, I had to acknowledge that I’d been partly to blame for what led to him having the affair.”
Janet and Malcolm married in 1985, a year after they’d started dating, made love three or four times a week and say their marriage “felt like a fairytale”.
But 12 years later their romance began to unravel. They’d moved to a cottage in Essex, taken out a huge mortgage they could barely afford, and Janet had health problems which left her feeling exhausted and frumpy.
They tried to maintain a fun social life with three other couples who they’d meet regularly for dinners, barbecues and weekends away.
Unbeknown to Janet, in 2000, Malcolm started an affair with one of the other wives, Tessa, a travel agent eight years her junior.
They’d meet for sex in hotel rooms and even spent a weekend in Paris when Janet thought he was away with his mates. Eventually her female intuition kicked in.
She said: “I became increasingly unnerved by their flirtatious exchanges when we were out as couples, even though Malcolm denied anything was going on.
“At home he became snappy and withdrawn but only confessed when I confronted him after a charity dinner in late 2006 when myself and others noticed Tessa mouth ‘I love you’ to him.”
Malcolm claimed he’d ended the affair six months earlier when he’d realised what he stood to lose.
Janet said: “He was full of remorse and adamant that although he’d cared for Tessa, he hadn’t loved her and had never stopped loving me.
“I was incredibly angry but we were both guilty of letting our marriage slide. I’d been no fun anymore and spent a lot of time moaning about our finances and how I hated the way I looked, while he let his head be turned instead of supporting me.”
The emotional impact of infidelity
SIMONE BOSE is a counsellor with Relate and says that around a third of her clients have experienced infidelity, ranging from couples in their 20s right through to older couples whose children are grown up.
She says: “Often it’s a symptom of something that’s missing in a relationship, such as emotional closeness or physical intimacy, but sometimes it’s not about the marriage at all.
“I have clients who feel that they’ve lost something of themselves from being in a committed relationship, for example their youthful or adventurous side, and unconsciously recapture this through an affair. They love their partner and still get along well, but their infidelity was more about exploring their own sense of identity.
“But, whatever the reasons, infidelity is very hard to manage without counselling, it will become a complete mess on your own.
“With hope and the right help, couples who want to move forward often find they can revive parts of their marriage that they’d neglected, such as spending time together.
“If they manage to get through the aftermath of an affair, many couples end up feeling more connected because they show their vulnerabilities for the first time in years.”
Malcolm said: “Janet seemed to have lost all interest in me so when Tessa started flirting with me and telling me I was sexy I was flattered.
“I took her for coffee one day and a week later we booked into a hotel room and had sex.”
Even though Janet and Malcolm agreed they wanted to save their marriage, they spent the first 18 months after his bombshell arguing.
Janet said: “We had sex a few days after his confession but I couldn’t shake the images of him in bed with her.
I took Janet’s friend Tessa for for coffee one day and a week later we were having sex
Malcolm, 71
“I dragged his affair up constantly, wanting to know the details and how I compared to her in every way, including in bed.”
Eventually Malcolm said he’d had enough. “I desperately wanted to be with Janet, but in the end I told her: ‘If we’re going to stay together and get through this then I am not going to pay for it for the rest of my life’,” he said.
“Starting counselling was then the turning point. Over the next two years, it taught us to talk and listen instead of yelling, and to stop blaming each other.”
Janet added: “We were on holiday in Greece in 2010 when it suddenly dawned on me that we were like playful twentysomethings again and his affair no longer dominated our conversations or my thoughts.
“We sold our cottage to get rid of the big mortgage and downsized to the smaller home in Essex where we still live.
“I’ll never forget Malcolm’s affair and he won’t either. Occasionally he’ll just shake his head and say he can’t believe what he did to me.
“But the secret to our happiness now is that we talk, laugh, are tactile, make love once a week, and text or speak several times a day even when we’re at work.
“It took a lot of hard work but our marriage is stronger and happier than ever. My only regret is that I never confronted Tessa and slapped her face.”
FIVE TIPS FOR COPING WITH INFIDELITY
1. ACCEPT that overcoming the affair will be a long and painful process for both spouses. You’ll experience shock, denial, anger, negotiation, and depression.
2. STAY CALM – If you’re the one who’s been cheated on it will be incredibly hard not to scream and shout, but that will just make your partner defensive. Give them the opportunity to explain themselves.
3. BE PATIENT – If you’re the one who cheated, you have to allow your spouse space to come to terms with it. Practise your tolerance
4. DITCH THE LOVER – You must agree to cut all contact with your lover otherwise it will be impossible to try and save the marriage. If you work with your lover this may mean looking for another job,
5. DON’T INVOLVE FRIENDS AND FAMILY – Try to keep all conversations about the infidelity between the two of you. The minute you involve others they’ll have opinions that may not be helpful.
Relate offers counselling services nationwide for every type of relationship including face-to-face, by phone, Webcam and online. For more information visit www.relate.org.uk
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Relate reports receiving 13 per cent MORE calls and 58 per cent more visitors to its website in January.
We previously revealed the age your sex drive will be at its most rampant.
And here’s how you can learn to enjoy good sex and love in a long-term relationship.
https://textbacklinkexchanges.com/i-realised-hed-been-having-an-affair-when-i-saw-my-friend-mouth-i-love-you-to-him-over-dinner/
News Pictures I realised he’d been having an affair when I saw my friend mouth ‘I love you’ to him over dinner
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Hayden Panettiere
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kim cattrall
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Kim says: “I am no super-thin Hollywood actress. I am built for men who like women to look like women.”
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